Bun in the oven alert™: Which Kardashian is pregnant?

Publication: OK!
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Since the beginning of 2010, the Kardashian sisters have had a total of zero babies. This has not stopped The Only Ten Magazines That Matter from telling us Kim or Kourtney or Khloe was pregnant, each of them multiple times. And pile on top of that record of unreliability the fact that this report is from the very nice but very unreliable OK!, there is a very good chance that whatever one they say is pregnant actually isn't.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Sexiest bodies in Hollywood!

Publication: OK!
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

For all OK!'s faults, when they have a headline about best beach bodies, they have pictures of pretty people on the cover. A lot of AMI mags have "best and worst" headlines then only show the worst.


Kim Kardashian is included, though she's not really "in Hollywood" since she doesn't make movies or non-reality TV.

Still, I like looking at this picture.



Megan Fox is "in Hollywood", but her star is fading fast. Still pretty, but not still getting a lot of work.


Zac Efron is like the male Megan Fox. Everyone agrees he looks good without a shirt, but his post High School Musical career is still waiting for a hit movie.

On the rocks alert: Kim's marriage in trouble.

Publication: Star
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! I've read some seriously trumped up stories in the tabloids over the past 20 months or so, but this one takes the cake.

And throws it in the trash.

Here are the ridiculous headlines.

• Trouble already
• Kim throws away her wedding cake
• Dumped in the trash!
  

This is silly. She gets paid to look like she does in the picture above. Wedding cake might as well be labeled "career poison" as far as Li'l Kim is concerned.

I honestly think there is a chance Kris will walk away from this circus eventually, but this is just nonsense.

Bells Done Rung™ already: Kim Kardashian's New York wedding (?!?)

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Things are back to normal in the supermarket rags, more or less. I made a new label for Kim'N'Kris, but her 6'9" husband has mysteriously disappeared.

It's all about Kim now. As if it was ever otherwise.

Weekly Life & Style has a headline that they had a wedding in New York City, but the actual vows were said last month in Montecito, CA. This was just another party with a honking huge cake.

Like these people need an excuse for a honking huge party.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Trouble for three soon to be brides.

Publication: Star

Date: 29 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! Star devotes most of the cover to three soon to be brides and the troubles that face them.

Christina: Secret ceremony

Jessica: Panic, tears and cold feet

Kim Last-minute dramatic texts from her ex!



There are also pink dots between the stories that have these headlines.

• Guess who's being betrayed by her man
• Revealed! Find out who's pregnant
  
  

Stay classy, Star!

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Hot bikini bodies for August 2011.

Publication: Star

Date: 22 August 2011



Star has a swimsuit headline that is completely positive, featuring two women looking good and no snide comments about possible surgical enhancement.



The first is Kim Kardashian. They didn't use this particular picture, but I for one never get tired of it.

The next is Cameron Diaz, who is usually chided for over exercising and too strict a diet.



Looks mighty fine here, though I don't know how old this picture is.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kourtney & Khloe reveal secrets of Kim's wedding

Publication: OK!

Date: 22 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! For the past few months, Kim has been the only Kardashian sister of interest to the supermarket rags, but OK! bring Khloe and Kourtney back on the cover... to talk about Kim's wedding. The headline reads:



Obsessing over everything from the gown to the guest list, Kim's family promises she'll have the perfect day.

There is also a sidebar about other celebs giving advice, with a picture of Kendra Wilkinson, the only other reality TV star in the top ten of gossip rag cover stories over the past two years.

Rich people are rich: Kim's wild Vegas party.

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Only one story about Kim K. on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week. She threw a party in Vegas.

That hardly seems like news, does it? They are always partying in Vegas.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kim picks the dress.

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 August 2011

Kim Kardashian's upcoming wedding is the only story from that family the Only Ten Magazines That Matter are interested in right now. This cover is from the middle of March before the official announcement was given to People, when OK! said she would be wearing Vera Wang.

They also said the wedding would rival William and Kate's, but I think we all know that's far fetched.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Bride wars: Kim vs. Jess!

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Could we go a whole week Kardashian free in the The Only Ten Magazines That Matter? Well, it is technically possible, it's just damned rare. We got as close to zero as we can without actually being zero when there is just a half a story about Kim Kardashian having a "bride war".

The other combatant is Jessica Simpson, so it kinda counts like half a story for each.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: All the Kim Kardashian stories for the week.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Like Wills'N'Kate, Kim Kardashian is getting the "at least one story a week" treatment in the supermarket rags before her marriage. Unlike Wills'N'Kate, the date has not been set yet, though the rumors are it will be this summer, which means less than three months away. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: First look at Kim's wedding dress
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding panic!
  Last minute doubts
  family fights
  guest-list snubs
  the dress doesn't fit - 15 lbs. to lose!
  Did she jump into this too soon?

This follows the general pattern of the past few weeks. OK! has had headlines that paint the situation in a positive light, why Weekly Life & Style has been say it's going to be a train wreck.

Let me say this. Kris Humphries is a young millionaire in top physical condition having sex with Kim Kardashian, and I'm starting to feel pity for the guy.

How wrong is that?

Damn You Skinny Alert™ in the future: Kim promises to be a size 2 bride.

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

The rest of the Kardashian family is taking a back seat to Kim now that she's announced she's getting married. OK! says she will be in a size 2 wedding dress.

I know men's suits have extra instructions, like a 42 Long. Is there such a thing as a 2 Wide dress?

Obviously, Kim does not shop off the rack.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: More stories about Kim the Bridezilla.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories about bride to be Kim Kardashian this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $177,000 registry
• OK! Bigger than the Royals!
  Kim's $10 Million wedding
  The breathtaking gown, the stunning jewels and the surprise no one expected!
  "I've always dreamed of a big wedding"

Point of order. A $10 million wedding is a huge capital outlay, but no way in hell will it match what Wills'N'Kate did.

Just sayin'.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kardashians ripped apart by off-camera scandals!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 July 2011

Kourtney and Khloe have been nearly forgotten by the supermarket rags for awhile, even before Kim announced her wedding and sucked all the air out of the room. But this week, Star puts all three on the cover with plenty of dish to go around. Here are the headlines.

• New sex tape
• Custody battle
• Secret pregnancy
• Plus: the truth about their plastic surgery

The custody battle would have to be Kourtney, since she's the only one who has a kid, but the other stories could be about any of the three. You'll have to buy the magazine yourself to find out, since I don't open them up on general principles.