Meanest story nominee: The Enquirer and Globe gang up on Dr. Conrad Murray.

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

For the first time that I can recall, two stories get lumped together with a chance to win the Meanest Story of the Week competition, as both the Enquirer and Globe both do everything they can to convict Dr. Conrad Murray of the manslaughter of Michael Jackson before the trial is over. Here are the headlines.

• Enquirer: Michael Jackson trial bombshell
  Dr. Murray's death kit found!
  Drugs, bloody needles, patient files and more discovered in his storage locker
• Globe: Michael Jackson murdered!
  What Dr. Death is hiding from jury
  Official court photo - more inside

I haven't been paying attention to the trial, but it's taking place in Los Angeles. Juries down there are capable of anything.

These stories get a joint nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Video nails the new Aruba killer!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

Two weeks ago, People and the National Enquirer had covers stories about the new murder investigation on the island of Aruba. The Enquirer has had stories both this week and last, this time saying they absolutely have the murderer due to video evidence.

Real news outlets are also covering this story and in the real world, there still hasn't been an arrest, though it looks like Gary Giordano is the prime suspect, possibly the only suspect.

He Fought The Law Alert™: What the Aruba suspect told the cops.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Enquirer gives a lot of ink on the cover to the investigation of Robyn Gardner, the woman who recently went missing in Aruba, and they name Gary Giordano as the prime suspect. Here are the headlines.

• Robin killed in suspect's hideout
• What happened in her final minutes - cops believe
  
  

Meanest story nominee: Tobey Maguire named in FBI report

Publication: Star

Date: 29 August 2011



Welcome to gossip hell, Tobey Maguire! The Star says he is to be named in an FBI report, probably as a result of the poker game that got ratted to the feds by a broke-ass hedge fund manager.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Warren Jeffs scalped and caged!

Publication: Globe

Date: 29 August 2011



The Globe has a story about the polygamist Warren Jeffs behind bars, where he was scalped and caged. They include the headline "America's Most Evil Man!"



Don't tell Charles Manson. He's sure to be miffed.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Kids who kill their parents.

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

This picture is on the cover of the Globe this week, but the young man accused of killing his mother is not named. The headline promises six examples of kids killing their parents inside.

He Fought The Law Alert™: "Dog" in bloody barroom fight!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

It's the dog days of summer, so this afternoon the stories are all about dogs. The low rent Examiner tells us that low rent reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter got into a bloody barroom brawl.

And I always thought of him as a level headed and upstanding gentleman.

No, wait, I must be thinking of someone else. It'll come to me.

Meanest story nominee: Willie Prison shocker!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells a true story this week, also reported by reputable news agencies, that Willie Nelson faces jail time because as they put it, "Judge throws the book at country star".

Here are the details, found online. Willie smokes the herb. We already knew that. He got caught smoking and was put on trial. He's an old guy, and a famous one to boot, so the trial judge said that instead of jail time, Willie could come by the court house and sing Blue Eyes Cryin' In The Rain. ANOTHER butt-inski judge hears about this, says it isn't fair because other people caught smoking herb aren't given this option and, just to be fair, gives the 78 year old singer two years in jail.

You know, just to be fair. Because if we don't apply our stupid draconian laws fairly, people will stop having respect for them.

Through no fault of the low rent Examiner, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: New tell-all book rips into Mister Tony Bennett.

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Tony Bennett! The singer, painter and national treasure, who will turn 85 next month, has his name dragged through the mud by the Globe. They write about a new "tell-all book" that details Mister Bennett's ties to the mob, his drug use and cheating.

I have made a new label, Call Him Mister, especially for this story. Many ladies have gotten the "Call Her Miss" treatment on this blog, wonderful stars who have been around long enough they should be off limits to the garbage peddlers of the supermarket checkout rags. Mister Bennett is the first of his gender to get similar treatment here.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

I feel about Teen Mom the way Jan Brady felt about Marcia.

Publications: In Touch, OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Teen Mom nonsense abides. I report with no further comment.

• OK!: Maci & Kyle Split: She's still in loved with Ryan
• In Touch: Teen Mom dating disasters!
  In love with cheaters, druggies and a killer!
  Leah: Since Corey left, she's hooking up with three different guys!
  Farrah: Can't stop crying over new violent bad boy
  Maci: Wedding on hold! Why her ex Ryan is to blame
  
  

Least interesting cover story of the week: Hollywood divorce lawyers tell all!

Publication: Star
Date: 18 July 2011

The cover of the Star is dominated by three divorce stories mentioned in the post just above this one, but they also have a teaser for another story about Hollywood divorce lawyers spilling their secrets about other clients. There is no artwork with this story because it's a "Guess who?" kind of deal. Here are the headlines.

• Cross-Dressing!
• Caught with the Nanny!
• Murder by Hit Man
• & more shocking secrets!
  

He Fought The Law Alert™: The woman who brought Whitey Bulger down.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

While most of the crime news has centered on Casey Anthony, the low rent Examiner devotes space on the front page to the arrest of Whitey Bulger, the gangster who had been missing for 16 years. His longtime girlfriend Cathy Greig was a key to his being discovered in Santa Monica, not because she ratted him but because she was still doing the same job she did before (dental hygenist) and had the same hobby (dog grooming).

He Fought The Law Alert™: Ryan found with Farrah's missing $30 million painting!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 4 July 2011

Star is claiming an exclusive about a story already printed by other news outlets, that Ryan O'Neal was caught with an Andy Warhol painting of Farrah Fawcett, currently valued at $30 million.

Farrah left her entire art collection to the University of Texas, but the Warhol had been missing. A film crew in O'Neal's house showed that the picture was prominently displayed, so mystery solved.

Non scoop of the week! O.J. Simpson confesses the murders to Oprah!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Enquirer says a "pal" of O.J.'s has reported that O.J. confessed to the murders from seventeen years ago when he talked recently to Oprah Winfrey.

It's complete horseshit. Oprah denies it up and down.

When you think that those murders happened seventeen years ago, do you feel a little old? Yeah, me too.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Leonardo DiCaprio and others caught in multi-million dollar gambling ring!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There's a lot of "exclusive" stories on the covers this week, and this one is an "exclusive" I have already read about online. Several well-known actors have a private high stakes home poker game, which is illegal. The guy who ratted them out is Brad Ruderman, a bankrupt hedge fund manager now being charged with running a ponzi scheme. The guy being named in most of the stories is Tobey Maguire, but the other regular players include DiCaprio and Ben Affleck.

Tip to people with home poker games. Set some standards. Hedge fund managers are exactly the riff-raff with whom you don't want to be associated.